catch22 (catch22) wrote,
catch22
catch22

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Lots of babble

Almost a Year of Thought

I woke up on September 11, 2001 late for my chemistry work period. So I threw on my clothes and ran across campus and came on everyone crowded around a television and saw a plane crash into the tower. I grabbed my project and went home so I could work and watch the news. The moment I remember most about that day was when a plane crashed into the Pentagon. My sister worked in DC at the time for a contractor. She worked near the Pentagon on navy contracts. I remember her saying she’s been in the Pentagon. I dialed her cell for about an hour before I got her. I remember praying that she was ok. Wondering what it would do to our family if she was in one of those offices. Finally I got hold of her. She said she was in California doing work out there. While I was on the phone with her we watched the towers in NY fall….wondering if this was for real.

I never experienced the great rage that some of my friends did. I was saddened and wondered how could people do this to one another. I think that day was the deciding factor in me not working on anything weapons related or joining the reserves…not for the fact that I think it’s wrong…Just for the fact that if what I built was used to kill people I don’t know how I could sleep at night. I’d think about the broken families. The ones that would always have that missing link. I also realized the fact that I personally couldn’t go overseas and kill for my country. I have a lot of friends in the military and with defense, but I honestly don’t know how they do it. I don’t think they’re bad people for being who they are and doing what they do. I just know I couldn’t.

I think one thing this has done to us as a world is shown us how we are all connected to each other. The thing the news doesn’t tell us that we all know is that we have the power right now collectively as a world to destroy ourselves. We also have the ability to heal ourselves. This is the choice in our hands.

I watched a special on PBS about 9-11 and I cried. What I’ll take form this is continued need to pray for the family, friends, and survivors of this attack. The one theme that made me the saddest was the “where was God” theme. I know without a shadow of doubt that there is a God. I also know there are angels. Part of this is faith, are things that have happened in my life. I also know that there is a dark side to all that is good. I’ve seen the dark side. We were given free choice and we use it. I don’t think God is sitting up there crashing planes into buildings or making people kill other people. I think we did this to ourselves. I don’t believe in a vengeful God. I know I was taught that there was one. I think basically think there’s God on one Side and Evil on the other and we drift back and forth between the two sides, learning from every experience. We float somewhere in a shade of gray.

I am both frightened and hopeful about our situation. I’m scared that we are teetering, that we’re so close to falling. I’m hopeful that we will learn before it’s too late. I pray that we will learn, and soon.

I think Sarah McLaughlin sang it best with Angel:
“Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here”
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