catch22 (catch22) wrote,
catch22
catch22

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I have a heart like the sea a million dreams are in me

I use to think that being vunurable was a weakness. It's not so much a weakness as a state in which you give up something to have a chance at something. How sad would it be to stay forever sheltered. Shelter from the storm is ok, but we will never know how real the rain is unless we stand in it. I think my choice is to experience and choose to let it change me for the better not the worse. I'll never go back to who I was before this journal.

Thinking about that person reminds me how cold the world can be. And it's not...it's an illusion. I'm lying here listening to some latin music being blasted in the parking lot, picking up words that I use to know. This moment is like surrealism at it's best.

I wish you could understand why, I wish I could understand why. Then again when I use to go to the theatre as a child, it was magic. Even before I learned tech stuff it was magic. Then you become the player on the stage or the one calling the shots on the innercom, and it's not so much magic anymore. You know all the trick and all the illusions. The thing I've come to realize is you can move on...there are other shows you can go sit in an audience and be amazed and awe if you dare to look. Thinking about delivering animals that though still puts me in awe.

I feel kinder and more gentle after all that's happened. The other thing is I'm less likely to take on other people's pain. I internalize things and thats why I have hang ups...one of the reasons. There was a moment....when I thought back to the old me. I think though that anger eventually burns itself out given enough time. Then again the other thought is that you become tired of it and leave it be.

My friend keeps asking why I'm punishing myself. I guess it's the should have known better factor. I have things I remember now. Very faint things...things I forgot and now that there's a black canvas (I always found it easier to paint on something other then white) I can see it in the dawning light. I forgot how to have fun long ago. I think that's part of it. It's like sitting here trying to remember the flute solos I use to play. Freshman year of college I could play you every contest piece I ever took to competition. Now I remember them, but I can barely play them...it gets better as I keep trying.

You never forget the unimportant stuff like how to ride a bike or where you lived. But you forget the super important stuff like failure isn't permanent, and how the ending of one thing always means the beginning of another.

There are a few moments I still feel sad and hurt and scared. THen there are those moments now I charish and hold onto in the day as long as possible...when I'm excited and passionate and strong and smart....These past two days, though rocky have flown by. I'm learning to run again (not to be confused with running away.)
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