I'm constantly floored by this soap opera I call my life. I'm learning how to be less of the resident drama queen...at least I'm attempting. I think I'm going through a huge time of reflection. The thing about that is you can either accept things and benefit from what has happened or let it tear you apart.
My father raised me correctly I think, and so being torn apart is not an option. In fact, I find this pain I feel a sign to push on...to close my eyes and jump in, start moving, and relax. It's kind of like swim team was in October....it so sucked to jump into the water of the outdoor pool, and so the only option was to dive in (easing in to the cold water made it worse) and immediately start swimming the warm up.
This pain, makes me realize I'm still alive, and I've had times in my life when I wasn't sure if I was alive. I think that I'm learning something from this life. Today was a really crappy day and yet I still have this hope that hasn't died since it was rekindled a few years ago. At first I thought this was going to be a spiteful determination thing...I wasn't going to give the catalyst to this pain I feel the enjoyment of watching me break down. How stupid of a thought is that? I use to be driven by that thought...proving myself to everyone, when all I have to do is follow the onboard compass in my soul.
It's really idealistic, but hey it makes me happy and gives me peace. I feel myself rotating back into the darkness. There's a huge amount of difference to this compared to the last time. I'm not really afraid. If I were I guarentee that I would be a total and complete wreck right now. I'm convinced that there is a purpose to this rotation into darkness and it's not God's sick sense of humor. It's time to find a creative outlet to hook into now. I got a class catalog from Metro CC. Maybe they have something like glass blowing.
To end this babble, I think that if you are strong enough to feel your life with love then pretty much it all becomes a walk in the park. Love is one of the three cosmic truths. Anyway, away I go to meditate.