catch22 (catch22) wrote,

So I'm laying here in bed. I just woke up. I love the moment when you're aware of what's going on around you but not awake yet. There's a cat under my covers sleeping on my feet. I could hear the children playing outside and listened to the heater switch on and off. Every muscle is totally realaxed.

So I say to myself "Self, do you want to wake up or sleep more?" I guess you know the answer to that question.

So now I'm in bed and the only thing that's changed is I'm awake, typing this and thinking. I have about 6 different trains of thought going. 1. Do I give in and feed my paranoia today? 2. Apt cleaning. 3. What am I doing next week. 4. Do I have to pee bad enough to warrent getting up? 5. My brother. 6. How far I've come.

THe last one is the main train. I'm thinking back to end of my Sr. year of high school when I started martial arts and I was sooo angry, and how this anger lasted for years. Now my theory is that if nothing feeds this feeling you burn it out. Then comes the Drained empty feeling...At that point I'd alway end up having this dream where I had this house and something would totally destroy it (usually a tornato) and I'd be sitting there the morning after in the sunlight knowing everything was gone and all I have left is rebuilding.

So I've been rebuilding for a few years. Thing still break and splinter, but the foundation this time is strong. Thinking about who I use to be makes me shake sometimes. I know I'm still that person, but I'd like to think that part of me is burried deep down and will never come out again.

I could muse more about this, but #4 now is the main train so toodles.
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