December 19th, 2002


(no subject)

I realized something tonight. How lucky I am. I talked to someone about my reaction and they said the fact I took benedryll every 6 hours till I saw the Dr, probably kept a bad situation from getting worse. It's funny, dying doesn't really bother me, it's the making the people I love sad that bothers me. So everyone keep benedryll on hand for emergencies. It may save your life.

The other thing I realized is how lucky I am to have who I've had in my life. Some I appreciate more then others. I went to see Maid in Manhattan with a friend of mine. I turned into a certified pile of Carrie goo. The movie reminded me of someone, and for a time I felt twitterpaited.

I forgot how wonderful that feeling is. I can close my eyes still and picture how it feels and it still brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. It was weird today...I'd explain more but then I'd be taken for a little coo coo for coacoa puffs. It was weird. I can feel this jagged edge in me sometimes...and I get sad about it. Most the time I can close my eyes and will it away...sometimes I can't.

Today was a unique day. Got my holiday off in Feb, Solved 3 problems that have been on going for 2-4 months. Finally threw away the last of some things I've been keeping. I think I'm finally free again. I so can't keep my eyes open so night.

"I'm not like most girls" --in reference to a comment made about chicks driving trucks

You ever get one of those days when things make sense. Today wasn't the best day in the world but it was way up there. Esp following last night. I thought about last night. The thing is I think I'm coming into a new phase. Last night I realized it tonight I proved it. It's nothing spectacular or grand its just sort of a frame of mind.

Tonight was great. Nomrally I'm very intimidated by being so young and shy. It went like this paraphrased

shit I'm late for the vendor hang out thing.
So I walk towards the back room and the waiter catches me on my way through:

Waiter: YOu with I nod What do you want to drink?
Me: Half and Half.
Waiter: Lemonade and Ice Tea?
Me: No Harp and Guinness
Waiter: So you want a black and tan
Me: No that's Guinness and Bass. A half and half is Harp and Guinness
Waiter: We've always made black and tans with Guinness and Harp.
I don't care I just want my drink and a seat
Me: Well I guess I've just been schooled. I want Guinness and Harp.
Make it to the back room and sit down with various team members and vendor people random small talk occurred
Waiter: You were right. The bartender said a Half and Half is Guinness and Harp.
Sets my drink down. Scored impressed look from vendor people I didn't know or have seen once/twice.
Vendor Guy1: I guess she's been to Ireland.
Me: No I got subjected to a beer education a few months ago.
Vendor Guy2: This guy has been to Ireland....
Random talk about europe and the vendors travels ensued. Then talk about wiskey plants visited in Ireland ensued and good Imported beer. I participated and now have some new ones to try.

Normally I would have not talked or found some one to attach myself to that I knew or not gone at all. I realize that this is a little thing, but I now realize that little changes are how things get done. Being shy really wasn't my bag anyways. The other little step is I took control of a meeting today. It's time to drive some things home and unfortuantely I need to go on vacation. This is the first time in my life that I really wish I weren't leaving at the time I'm leaving for vacation.

Long story short I guess is this. Today I feel for the first time I belong where I am. "Game is starting and I'm playing by my rules. Prepare to mount up kids it's time to get shit done."
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