catch22 (catch22) wrote,
catch22
catch22

  • Mood:

Blah blah blah and more blah

So I'm sitting here. It's been a long time since I've poured me out on paper. Generally I've been running scared. Now I'm slowing down. Once The children's hospital thing I'm chairing is over, then it's all about me time :)

I'm so in love with this future that I see that's attainable. I'm about ready to take a distinct plunge. It's been along time since I've done that. The other day I was watching A-10's doing exercises over the desert and I felt shivers go up and down my spine. I feel those shivers thinking about being able to fly even though it's a small plane. It's the fact this is something that's a drive I have to do for myself. Since my grandfater died there's even more of an urgency to get it done.

Life is good. I think the only time it isn't is when I close my eyes and lose sight of what I really want. Deep down I have always known what I want. Now I just have to dig myself out of the hole. I mean there's going to be a delay but then again, I'd rather be happy then immediately transported from where I am now to where I want to be. The lesson I'm learning is timing. I've got a few more bruises coming so basically I'm geared up to take the blows. But there are moments when everything is so clear...so pristine, and then I doubt it. I'm trying to convince myself it's worth it to build worlds even though they shatter and break and when they do you dust off and go build another.

I know things, then I forget them, then I get scared. I see this in older people. So I wonder if this is something that's standard to humanity if there's a way not to forget. I think one thing is to create a secret place locked deep down inside. Then once this place is created, to keep it from being polluted. I feel like a fire has been rekindled in my heart again. It's more of the fact I'm remembering what it is to be alive and know that there is so much out there to learn from and choose. If you fall on your face from what you choose then it's just as easy to get up and try something else. "step 9: fall down; step 10: get back up again." is what my friend always says.

It's funny, I think about God and there's no doubt in my mind that he exists. The problem I have is what society says he is. My friend invited me to go to church, and though I don't have a problem with this, I'm can't really bring myself to go. God is important to me but he's in this secret place I talked about earlier.

I love waking up most mornings and realizing how amazingly beautiful the world is. If I could just unlearn how to be scared of it things would be much better.
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