catch22 (catch22) wrote,

House cleaning

I just threw away 3-4 bags of stuff. I also came upon this journal that I was writing in when Steve and were first in love, with every card taped in it. The thing that got me was in the front "You have all the power you need if you dare look for it." I scribbled that down. The thing that got me the most and is one of the reasons I haven't thrown this away is the quip from the following entry from March 18th 2000.

"...I'm scared of "us" I feel a barrier between him and I. I know I love h im, but I'm trapped in my box and he's on the outside. I hurt Kelly because, in my Depression I wanted everyon to stay away so when the shit hit the fan no one I cared about would get hurt. Now that I think about it maybe I did it because the moment I needed him, he wouldln't be there. I don't want to fail for steve. The moment when he needs me, somehow won't know it or can't do anything. I guess thats my biggest driving force in my life...being able to be there for people I care about who need me. I've had dreams with this theme...the lifeguarding one, the oak leaves and rose petal one. I don't want to fall into the void again because that's when I fail people. I'm scared of getting hurt too.....He syas he loves me and that he wish I understood. I don't understand. How can I? It's new to me. I'm learning on the fly...I love him but the way my life has run I'll wake up one day and it'll be a memory. He seems so sure. I think that's a blessing and a curse. I'd feel better if he had his doubts but he doesn't share them with me,...All I know is no guy has ever been as close to me as Steve is....The feelings I have for steve fore me to stop running and confront my past. I need to hurry though steve said I'm worth waiting for; but he's human and can't wait forever...If he left I know now a part of me would be forever missing"

Distance really does give perception. I remember the weekend I met him, and the instant I knew he was a soul mate. I also remember my first time. It's amazing what you forget as well. At first I was going to throw this away, but I've decided maybe this would be something worth keeping after adding 50 layers of tape and putting the ring in the middle of it. It'll be time to banish it to the bottom most layer of the random shit I've saved from my childhood.

I've made my decisions. I don't want the new Steve in my life even as a friend. He doesn't know me anymore because I'm not me anymore. I've thrown away so much memories already...the pictures I had, the emails. I've kept one picture...This is before he turned into a colossial prick. I want the non colossial prick back. Grant it I've been a bitch about this, but that's how I deal, I don't deal with betrayal very well, call it a character flaw. But like in retrospect, I shouldn't have said some of the things I said. Maybe this feeling will change and we can get to know each other again and maybe salvage a friendship...I'd be willing in a few months...only time will tell. The journal entry, written almost a year ago was pretty true to who we were before we broke up. In retrospect I can say I've changed. I use to worry about lots of stuff...I still worry, but not to the extent I did. I'm not really worried about the fact that for this first month life is going to suck financially...I'll make it through. I've realized that I have always achieved everything I truely set myself up to do. I wanted to get good at music, I did that. I wanted to graduate with a degree in something I didn't already know I did that. I wanted to grow up, I've done that (I got the "RE: Welcome to the grown up world" today) I'm not bitter about this whole thing. My theory on soul mates is there are more then one...Shawn says there are 12. Which means I have 11 more to find and drive insane :). Steve really did make me stop and face my past though. I know what I want, how to get it and I'm not afraid to try for it. Now if I can kick this self esteem thing where I lost my identity into the relationship...(which I'm currently working on) I would have things made in the shade. I know who I am now and what I'm worth, and I'm so not going to settle for anything less.
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