catch22 (catch22) wrote,

Pressure writing

I'm sitting here trying to focus my thoughts on the task at hand, since I can't go to sleep and what not. It really sucks to have an over active mind that grabs something and spins it over and under and in and out. So what I'm spinning right now is this thought on love. This is one of the things that is real. However like any Mozart piece it has themes and variations. I really miss having a keyboard to pound on and make music. It ammuses me this love thing. Right now I'm sitting like a baffled cat trying to make heads or tails out of it. I don't think we can love or hate anyone who doesn't possess traits we don't have. I also think Hate is love without the facts as to steal from Bach.

I have come along way because I really didn't think I could love again after what happened in HS. I fucked up an alright relationship because I was so fucking scared I couldn't love him. Maybe I loved him so much that he needed to leave so when the world blew up he wouldn't be hurt. I wrote that in my journal at the time. It's a nice thought...Trying to protect.

So I look now at the current soul mate and when the rose colored glasses are removed I can understand what my friends say. I thought I found someone to trust and who could understand me. I don't think I made a mistake in trying at least. This poses a problem to me though. The rules of soul mates aren't really specific as the rules of say driving. It's kinda weird and the more I find out about it the more I'm baffled about how it works into infiniate infinity...actually I know how it works in, it's just more complex then I wish to be right now. Well not complex it's a really simple theory...understanding it on the other hand...

The thing I wonder about after 4.5 years is how did I get here. I mean I use to be a miserable person...I completely burned up my anger back then. I wonder if emotions are like fuses can you burn them out and replace them. I really don't get angry anymore. I mean not to the point where I do stupid ass shit like punch solid walls and and kick beds across the room. Sometimes I do that just for the effect though, but not as hard as I use to. It shouldn't be misused.

When I delt with shit at the pool as a manager I'd get mad, but not completely pissed. I think now I get baffled or say oh well. I wonder if that makes me indifferent. But I digress back to this soulmate thing.

So like I knew early on about us. As fucked up as I had been I knew. I also had a clue into what I was getting into. Which is probably why I was only down for a week and not swung into a major depression. I also prayed daily for peace from the feeling. God is kinda cool that way...except you never get exactly what you ask for. So I got my peace which for me is knowledge. How I got it is through dream and kinda like things clicking, and through things people said or what I read. Now I kind of have too much of it. Maybe it would have been better to have gone into depression, it's something I know and understand anyways.

So what baffles me is how I can be genuinely happy and yet get scared and sad on top of it? Or how I can love no matter what...
I'm trusting that it's right because it doesn't feel wrong. It's just not what I've observed in other people.

I also think that there's a reason I'm not generally lonely. I mean I get homesick but not lonely. I have someone who understands me really well. It shocked me to understand how well. Actually there are two people. One I call sensei and the other Shawn. I really owe them more then I ever could pay back. Everyone is given a gift of some sort. The one thing that they can do the best. I know's pretty rediculous what it is though. I also know my purpose and calling. This is really really wonderful news or really really depressing. The thing is you can say "fuck that shit, I want to do this." This is fine too.

I'm leaning towards the fuck that thought. Because this calling is going to be hard work. The other funny thing about it is it keeps coming back. Then I try to do what it says and get miserable again. This makes me think everytime I try I fuck it up and that in turn makes me miserable, but then I learn, and learn in leaps and bounds...Then I return to this happy spot where I guess I heal myself now that I think about it. It's this spot this feeling where I feel completely safe and secure....and all when I'm completely alone...but I'm not. I can't shake this feeling that I'm not here by myself. I'm here in this building this city alone and yet it's a comfortable fit. In my car hugging the freeway, weaving in and out of traffic, it's comfortable. It feels like I've come home. Which is strange because when I've seen people move like to a place where they don't know anyone they're miserable until they get set up. Anyway this has gone on way to long and stopped being a pressure writing. Bye.
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