catch22 (catch22) wrote,

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Faster then the speed of light trapped in cesium gas

So it's now about time to return to this account because I don't feel like hiding anymore it was unsuccessful and my paid privileges on the other account are about up. I'm sitting here when I should be in bed because I so can't sleep...I wish I could. So now I'm babbling with a friend from Arizona and pondering my current situation.

I've been looking at my actions and have realized I need to be on my own for some time more and I need to establish what I think is important in life again. I think I'm off to a good start. I have a job that doesn't suck too bad. I found a place to work out at. I joined a service club to help and meet people. Now it's just a matter of friends.

Let me digress a little bit. I had this kick ass circle of friends from middle school. We ended up going our own ways in High school. Then I developed this kick ass circle of friends in high school and we've graduated and now are geographically separated so that sucks. College I was too depressed to develop a circle of friends for the most part.

Digression ends here.

Now I'm back at square one in a new location. I have this friend named Shawn, and he's probably one of the most amazing people I know. He can go anywhere and find people with enough stability to develop true friendships. This is what I want again and what I'm missing from the last 4.5 years of my life.

Friendship to me is a totally amazing thing. But with it comes responsibility. I mean out of the high school friend I hung out with, I'd go help them if they really needed me and visa versa. This is also the type of relationship where you can call each other on the bullshit, but can accept you for who you are. There is a clause on this though...when a decision will affect your personal safety, and you've done all you can it's ok to walk away. There's an open door for them but it's got to be their decision to come back. I'm babbing now.

Before I can have this I need to rebalance myself I think. Right now I've tried to be accepting of everyone and everybody, but sometimes you gotta lose the leaches like a stone wall. I have a good idea now on how vulnerable I've made myself. It's my understanding that I really need to fix these vulnerabilities and heal the damage before I can move on. (Its like I kind of had a broken leg, thought it wasn't broken and tried to run on it while carrying a heavy load.) I think the biggest broken part is my trust in people I use to trust without question. Now which only time can tell if it'll be repaired nor not.

I've slid into what I think is kind of a selfish mode because I need things to be how I understand them. I've always been really selfish when I'm hurt but I figure needing to be alone and not dealing with anything else. The only reason for this I think is cause I don't have the circle of friends that I'm use to having. The ones that end up doing random shit with. The ones that have ice cream and vent night. The ones that will sneak into the park at night to spar in sports bra and workout pants.

I think when this all pans out. I'll return to my values where I only keep the company worth keeping. I really value the true friends I have right now. The rest pretty much can take a long walk off a short pier.
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