catch22 (catch22) wrote,

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That's life, that's all.

The quiet is really calming tonight. I'm about ready to hit the hay cause it's all snowy and crappy out and I want to beat the traffic into work tomorrow. I might throw extra hours in the morning so I can hit lunch with the guys. The snow put a huge damper on the plans I had tonight. So I ended up jamming some on guitar. Now, I don't claim to play well, but it's very relaxing unless I'm making an effort to butcher bar chords. I am getting better.

I also pondered. This is turning out to be an interesting path I picked in desperation. I spent 90 minutes or so on the phone with someone who I'm not quite sure what opinion to form. I just feel really edgy. Not that it's a bad thing, it's kind of like being in a carnival and walking past the games wondering what the catch to each is. I'm such an untrusting bitch :P

The next thing I pondered is this supposed natural talent I have with a few of the things I'm working on. The Martial Arts to be specific. Talent is a double-edged sword. I mean I sit here and wonder where I would be if I just picked one thing I had an aptitude for and ran with it. I don't regret not doing just that in my past, because I wouldn't be this interesting person who could bullshit about lots of stuff with lots of people. I was brought up on the idea of being well rounded. The edges on the sword are either: becoming great at one thing and letting everything else fall to the wayside or enjoying as much of everything that ever hits the fancy.

The problem with that (actually I think this problem affects both sides of this fence) is burn out. I think I experienced burn out in college, because I wasn't very active there. I think I even lost some of my drive to do and try stuff. This is one of the things I'm battling now. The focus I had, that I want back isn't coming as easily as it did before...really hasn't been there since high school. I want it back, and it's coming slowly but it's coming.

I'm in for another spell of self-discovery, I'd like to call it retraining actually. The only reason I know I'm on the right path with this is this feeling in the gut of my stomach. The fucked up dreams I've been having are a give away too. Things will be fine though if I can keep my life pretty calm. This isn't happening though. I'm trying some theories out which are still undecided on the validity they have in my life. I'm also trying to make myself strong again, because once I get this whole harmonious deal set up, someone somewhere is going to try and crash the deal. I'm not to keen on letting that happen again.

I think I've babbled enough for tonight. I sleep now.
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